I really wasn’t going anywhere with that. Hmm…
I logged on today and the first post I saw was Live Without Regret, which was somewhat serendipitous as I was contemplating the current state of my life (like you do in those moments of discontented daydreaming), and thinking of change. Dreaming (this is not the correct word. Dreaming connotes a sense of happiness, or whimsy. This is not the case but for lack of a better term, here we are) of change, actually.
But change is scary. Change is entering the unknown. Stepping into the unseeable hazy mist and hoping for the best is something I have never been good at and never embraced with a smile and open arms. Just the opposite, really. For me, change is the monster in the closet. The Mr. Oogie Boogie under the bed.
Ironically though, I want my life to change. Need my life to change but feel constantly at odds with the world. I tend to think of that line from Jane Eyre, “I see at intervals the glance of a curious sort of bird through the close set bars of a cage: a vivid, restless, resolute captive is there; were it but free, it would soar cloud-high.” (which in turn makes me think of a Charles Bukowski poem, but I digress).
Unlike Jane, I am not held captive by my gender, the time in which I live or the circumstances of my birth. I am held captive by myself and unequipped, unwilling or unable to find a way to open the cage and soar. The fact alone, that it is within my grasp (technically) to live whatever sort of life I desire should be enough to do so. Shouldn’t it be so for us all?
Unfortunately, I am not the sort of person to dive in head first and revel in the unknown. Honestly, I think I’m still trying to figure out the sort of person I am or more importantly, the kind of person I want to become. It would be nice to be that sort of person. To be daring and unapologetic. To be inspired by chaos and driven by desire. Do you really have to be that sort of person to get ahead in life? Not even ahead, but to live a fuller life; to live without fear and restrictions? I’m not sure. The meek haven’t inherited the earth. Not yet. Not really.
To clarify, I’m not talking about material things. I’m not even talking about wealth (I mean, I wouldn’t complain if some money floated my way), I talking about a life where you’re not settling. A life where you’re not working at a job you hate, and you’re not merely ‘getting by’. I know that the answer to having that sort of life lies within my own perspective but I haven’t yet figure out how to make fire and I’m a ways off from inventing the wheel.